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I am literally at home the whole day even if it’s a Monday since the weather won’t stop acting up. It’s happening again — flood all over the metro — and it has always been like these for a certain number of years, every August. Isn’t it just sad? Like it has become an annual event and it’s already accepted by the people (and the government which makes it worse) that it’s going to happen. But I get that we all should do our duties as citizens of this country (and inhabitants of the Earth) and that all of us have our faults in this situation. Oh man, I hear the rain pouring out and fighting with our roof again. *worried face*
I always liked this track (ah there, it’s my indie loving again) but today as it collaborates with the weather, there was no way I could stop myself from contemplating.
These strange faces
It was only yesterday
We spoke on the phone
A distant memory
From all those years ago
While it was on loop I figured that it was me all along. In every chapter of my life I shut all of them out. Because I’ve always been confident that I’ll meet new ones as I go on, and true enough I do. I never realized that until today. It had been my habit since I was entering adolescence, which explains why every time I bump into someone from the previous chapter I hide, not wanting to be noticed, not wanting to be bugged.
The trigger was that tragedy. It was when I thought I knew who the real ones to me are, I thought no one was there for me, I thought I was alone. I went through it by myself and I aced it, then I knew I was strong and I can make it with no one. I was so proud of myself because I did not need anyone and they always do. I felt different, infinite and I did not care anymore.
I often think about why I don’t have solids in my life. Because they’re unreal, users and weak and I’d rather be alone than stand being with losers — I don’t care who you are. I really am such a hipster.
But what if they really are trustworthy, I just don’t want to trust? What if they can be reached, I just don’t want to let them know I’m in need? What if they are there, they just don’t know I’m here? What if they are not weak, I just feel that they are? What if they care, I just don’t want to let my guard down? What if they are real, I just see it differently? What if they are not losers, I am just too proud?
What an ass I have become.
A cliche as it may sound but it’s true that no man is an island. So many chapters in my life have passed and I have not saved any memories. No one has stayed up to the present. Now I admit that maybe it was neither the situation nor the characters, maybe it was me. It was me that has made their faces strange to me, I was stubborn. I honestly feel empty, alone and jealous (all because of my own doings) of those who have their solids. If you have yours, I tell you, you keep them, don’t push them away and don’t shut them down.
If only I had been careful I might have a pool here but no I was not. The consolation though is that I know who has the potential. And I do hope that it’s not too late to fix my mess and save these relationships — I need them and I still want them in — which is why I’m picking up my phone right at this moment.
Louisa said she’s not coming home, but I am.