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Journal

Holiday Blues

December 24, 2013

She needed it again. She could have hit the gym to make it up to her coach, or she could have set a lunch date with one of her girlfriends or she could have just simply stayed home and continued her Stephen Amell sighting. Instead, she has chosen to slouch on one of the couches in SBC, consume the Iced Mocha Javakula (and gain more fat) while messing up the remaining precious pages of her current planner (though technically there are still a lot of blank pages but there are barely seven days left before she unwraps the one for the upcoming year).

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It’s true that there are bad days but she can tell that it’s not just because she’s tired with work or the items she’s been eyeing for months disappeared from the store. And she knows that she has always said that this kind of feeling should not be nurtured in order for it not to grow, but sometimes letting things take place on their own is just — it.

***

I’ve been vocal about the “Holiday Blues” I’ve been having lately, but I guess it’s that, the pre-quarter life crisis (which pretty much is the same as the actual quarter life crisis I will have in the future) I am also experiencing and a lot more.

*

Getting up from bed every morning had been quite a challenge the past three to four weeks. Drive was gone and giving it a chance to show itself again was a fail. I thought it was just like “those days” but submerging myself deeper to the search slowly made it clear that everything in this aspect is becoming a blur. Ironic, yes. Putting in mind that all of these were part of what I once wished and hoped for no longer work a hundred percent — not anymore. That sounded a bit ungrateful, but I swear I didn’t want to.

*

“People think being alone makes you feel lonely,
but I don’t think that’s true.

Being surrounded by the wrong people is the
loneliest thing in the world.”

– Kim Culbertson

*

These thoughts (the what ifs and could have beens) and the tiny tears — I thought they’re gone. But I guess after all these years that I’ve waited for them to vanish (or made myself believe that they would), I guess they won’t. Maybe they still would, but not soon. Having them around takes me to another dimension, they excite me I have to admit, they make me feel like there’s more to life and that the future is beautiful but I know deep within that it’s not the road for me.

These thoughts and tiny tears, they stay in my life and will always remain as they are —

Just like you, you stay in my life and will always remain as you are.

***

This year had not been smooth sailing, it brought less than what we wanted (at least for me). Some of us have broken hearts to heal, some of us have shelters to rebuild, some of us have loved ones that we miss on this very day, but hey everything that we have in front of us right now (many or just right) are worth thanking for. Because Christmas is not about the gifts were giving, not about what we’re receiving, it’s not even about any of us. It’s ultimately about the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

That’s why it’s called Christmas.

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From my family to yours, Merry Christmas!

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