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2AM Disclosures

January 16, 2015

This feeling of realizing that I’ve been living a life that’s never whole, in general. I’m not being emotional or something, it’s just that today’s one of the many days when I feel like asking a lot of questions. I don’t know if it’s just the usual me making things complicated or it’s that certain stage in life everyone goes through, but whichever it is, it sure is making me feel that I’m actually spending the holiday productively and thanks.

So I’ve been thinking. The fast facts of my life can actually pass the standards of society (specifically the Philippine society): my family is complete, I finished school on time, I have a day job and I still live with my parents at my age (I have no idea why I have to say that but because Philippine society was mentioned, maybe I did.). Now what?

If you ask me further about the insides, this is where I will probably fail. I have a lot of concerns that are actually simple but enough to make me realize that life indeed has its complexities. And by simple, I mean:

  • My favorite colors are black and white (actually not favorite, most like I should say) but there was a phase in my life when my work desk was filled with Hello Kitty plushies, so pink is my “press-released” favorite color in the office. I’ve still yet to figure out how to realign my office mates.
  • I don’t have an ultimate favorite movie! I hate how I would say this movie is my favorite, and that movie too, and two more movies. Twenty, actually. Ugh, I just want an ultimate one!
  • Hmm I guess not being able to decide which my favorite series is shouldn’t be a problem, but I feel like it is. It’s probably Gossip Girl, but how in the world I can’t say it’s Game of Thrones? There’s The Walking Dead, Scandal, Arrow and Suits too! Okay, next unnecessary concern please.
  • What is my favorite hobby? Which talent makes me showcase my excellence the most? Is there actually anything I’m good at, in the first place?
  • I can’t tell who my best friend is. I have a few girlfriends, but it’s like each of them has a certain field of expertise in the aspects of my life. There are things only this girlfriend knows, there are some only the other does, and some secrets are for the other one. I need someone whom I can call any time and any day without hesitation, someone whom I can send random Snapchats to, someone whom I can Facetime with, etc. I ain’t complaining though, I just feel like having one girlfriend who you know will die for you might be cool.

Surprisingly, there’s one concern that’s an actual concern. I’m deeply bothered by this, and it’s the first time that I will openly talk about it, ever. Brace yourselves, but please don’t judge me. Or maybe you will. Yes, you will.

  • In which religion do I belong to? My baptismal certificate says I’m a Roman Catholic, but sometime between 1996 to 1997, I remember going to this Born Again Church. We just moved to our home in Cavite and my aunt introduced the church to my mom. Since then, my sister and I together with our cousin attended Sunday schools together until they moved to Sydney. We transferred to another Born Again Church just nearby and it’s where we went until high school. I was an active member of the youth congregation, I was part of the Praise and Worship band and I practiced devotion every day. And then one day everything just stopped. I couldn’t recall how and why, it’s probably because of the family crisis we had back at that time. My Sunday obligations were put off until they were no longer part of the system. So since I was being a non-Catholic since first grade, I never had the chance to celebrate my first Holy Communion, so as my Confirmation. And then I went to a Dominican institution in college, which I found challenging because I had to take Theology classes every semester. What colors are associated with the advent and what do they represent were two of the many questions I struggled answering in each mid-term examination. I was just lucky to have passed every class! I asked my professor if there was still a way to have my first Holy Communion, and it’s good to know that there is. The thing is, I’m a twenty-something whose spiritual practices have gone astray and the ones who are celebrating the first Holy Communion are nine year-olds. And if ever I would have the courage to do it with the third graders, it’s the Confirmation that I have to think about next. Que horror. Another thing is, I’m not a hundred percent sure if I want to be a Roman Catholic for life. There are practices that makes me think twice, like the memorized prayers and stuff, but I’m not against them or anything. It’s just that I can’t do things that I don’t fully understand. On the other hand, I’m not also sure if I want to be part of the Born Again Christian congregation again. Like the Roman Catholics, they also have practices that don’t appeal to me much, like getting too involved in a member’s life. It stresses me because I know that at some point in the future, one event in my life will have to push me to decide. Like if ever I will get married, in which Church? It’s either I make up the missed sacraments or be re-baptized. And if that happens, I want to be committed. I want to be in the religion that will make me do the practices by heart. More importantly, I want my future child to have a concrete grasp of his/her spirituality. If ever he/she will be in the same situation that I’m in right now, I want him/her to be in it by choice, because he/she wants to stand up for what he/she believes in.

I’m pretty wrecked, I know.

I’m happy about my life but not being able to declare these kind of stuff is just so pathetic. I feel so incomplete. It’s like being bitch slapped in the face and then waking up to the fact that I’m a very indecisive being after. It makes me question the worth of my existence. Uncertain can be a pretty accurate description too. It sucks, it sucks. It’s useless, but I’d like to think it’s not hopeless. I’m only 24 and I still have time to figure it out.

Anyway, let me put all these #YshyProblems aside and declare my gratefulness because I have a life. That alone is one thing that I should be ultimately thankful for.

I also feel like mentioning the Papal Visit, because it’s something! Pope Francis has that vibe that makes you feel blessed at once. His smile, his efforts to stand up and wave at everyone while the pope mobile moves, his words and teachings, they’re truly touching. I may be confused with my religion but the Pope Francis charisma goes beyond Catholicism. He is sincere, simple, non-judging, and very human. I wish I’ll get the chance to see him in person! Anyone coming to Quirino Grandstand or UST on Sunday?

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