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Dear You

February 1, 2016

This has happened before. Many times. We’ve had our fair share of non-interacting days and I guess it’s pretty normal with us, but something tells me that this time, it’s different. I wanted to start calm (I actually didn’t want to do this — I mean, what for?), but thinking about how many times we’ve gone through something like this and how many times I’ve reached out just so we could go back to how we were rolling like gossip girls, I kind of can’t. I want to let this out. My emotions are starting to build up, and I feel bad, because it’s you, it’s us. I know I’m starting to sound like a bitch counting deeds but whatever, I’m indeed counting deeds.

First and foremost, why are we even in this kind of situation? As I’ve said, we always go through something like this, but trying to comprehend how and why, it just doesn’t make sense. Looking back, if it weren’t for the messages I sent, we probably wouldn’t last. And you probably cried alone in all those nights (including the one that happened in the middle of Ayala Avenue, the one when we had to hide at the back of a red sedan, the one when we watched the horizon in bayside which we also call our comfort zone), and never made it through. Yes, I’m counting deeds.

I actually wouldn’t want to bother sending you even just a single iMessage again (because you know, getting nothing after you exerted effort is a low blow), but because you mean to me, on the 8th of December I did. On New Year’s Day, I sent my New Year greetings with our term of endearment attached and asking for a catch-up, and woah, “Read”, it read.

I thought I’ve gotten used to you behaving like this, but even after so many strikes, I would still want to patch things up with you.

Patch. It makes me laugh.

Because there was neither a misunderstanding nor a fight to begin with.

As much as I feel sorry for myself for being the one you’re always leaving hanging yet always there when you need most (again, I’m counting deeds, and — gaaahhd, I wasn’t aware that this would sound like a pouring-out-entry-after-a-break-up and I feel so immature), I feel sorry for your other friends too. I’ve always wondered if they feel the same way I feel about this behavior of yours too.

When you’re good with one group, you wouldn’t bother talking to any of the others. When you have something to complain about with one of them, you start talking to someone else. When you’re hanging out with me, you forget them. It’s a cycle, an inappropriate cycle.

What is wrong with you?!

I really don’t get what you’re doing — acting as if you don’t know me, I don’t exist and worst, ignoring me when I already reached out. Is it because all our other friends always tag and invite me to gatherings and you aren’t? Is it because they make collages for my birthdays, and none for yours? It’s superficial because it fucking is, and I can’t think of anything that I did for you to treat me this way.

I’m honestly at this point where I want to unfollow you in every social media platform because your posts suck. I’m annoyed at your irrelevant captions, your selfies alter my mood, your photos spell the word user in my eyes. I must have gotten tired, you know, being the one who’s always reaching out, not to mention figuring out why I have to reach out in the first place when nothing’s happened. Goddamnit, could you just grow up and stop making people run after you?

That.

You want people to run after you but you can’t run after them.

***

I don’t know when we’re gonna talk again, or are we ever talking again. Depends on your mood, lol. But no matter what we’re going through (still can’t accept that we’re going through something because nothing happened!!!), please know that you’re still a sister to me, one of my best girlfriends, and more importantly, the other half of the bitches of New York. I don’t know if you’re just having a mood swing or what, and if one of these days you come to me acting clueless about this, better expect another pillow fight! Kisses!

See, that’s the thing.

I can’t just simply resist the people I love.

  • Reply
    Mei
    February 1, 2016 at 9:24 AM

    Oh, I actually thought this is a post-breakup post. Hehe

    I hope things would get better or the two of you. If you both really mean much to each other, it will be okay in the end. But if not, then it’s not meant to be. It takes the two of you to work it out. I don’t know the whole story and I’ve never been in that situation, so I can’t say much, I just hope you’ll feel better soon.

    • Reply
      Yshy
      February 1, 2016 at 10:20 AM

      Thank you Mei! I just feel like I need to pour it all out because I’m so confused! I know I could’ve asked what’s wrong, or if there’s actually something wrong, but how can I take that path when in my attempts of breaking the ice, I’m being shut right away?

  • Reply
    Jewel Clicks
    February 1, 2016 at 9:16 PM

    Deym mixed signals! You’re so brave to put your feelings into writing.

    You’ll be fine, babe! :)

    xx,

    Jewel

    • Reply
      Yshy
      February 3, 2016 at 12:16 AM

      Thank you babe! :)

  • Reply
    Alissa
    February 2, 2016 at 5:55 PM

    Sad but this sounds so familiar to me. What I would like to tell you is, leave when you feel like you deserve something more. But for sure, it’s hard to do no matter how right it sounds. It’s like we’re still clinging to hope that things will change. You remind me so much of myself. I hope things will get better and I hope you’ll have the courage to do what you have to do.

    • Reply
      Yshy
      February 3, 2016 at 12:25 AM

      You know that feeling when you’re so pissed and you tell yourself that no matter what happens you’ll never gonna make the first move and be “unavailable” the next time you’re needed? But won’t get to stand up for it for a while and you’ll still end up acting as if nothing happened until everything goes back to normal and you’ve instantly forgiven without hearing an apology or even talking about it? That feeling, every time.

      Thank you Ali (feeling close?! Haha), we’re gonna get good at this in due time!

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